stuck between, “I don’t want to feel that type of hurt again” and “I want to feel that type of love again.”

There was a point in my life where I didn’t think I would find love again and I was honestly at peace with that thought. There was something so satisfying about the idea that it would just be my daughter and me forever (and possibly the other kids that I would adopt later down the road). Even though I understand that this isn’t the ideal home for some people and I struggled with this concept for a while; I knew that she and I would be okay and that we didn’t need anyone else but I couldn’thelp but feel the emptiness of her not having her dad in her life or even a father figure. Overtime, I adored the idea of the simplicity of only having her to worry about and she is my whole world so nothing is more fulfilling in my life than her. Plus, I didn’t have to worry about being enough for someone because she is going to love me regardless. I just couldn’t help but miss the feeling of having someone there. I was stuck between, “I don’t want to feel that type of hurt again” and “I want to feel that type of love again.” It wasn’t a strong enough feeling pursue though. To me, there were barriers that prevented me from “finding love”. My underlying insecurities, of course, and the fact that I was a teen parent. I was under the impression that no one would want to be with a “teen parent” just because of the kind of name that they have and they don’t want to feel like they have that responsibility on them. Part of me thought that it wasn’t related, that someone could date me and not have to feel like they have to take on being a “bonus parent” because she was mine and no one else’s. But the more I thought about it the more wrong I was becaused she is my life, I revolve everything around her so how could someone who want to be so involved with me no I want to be involved with my daughter too? And anyone who feels that way shouldn’t be in our lives. I needed someone who accepted all parts of me, including my daughter.

I just didn’t want to have to make the effort. I decided that I would rather do my best for my daugher and I and focus on that and it was the best decision I ever made. I worked two jobs while I was a freshman in college and even into my sophomore year. I did my best to live a balanced life with her as my main focus. I felt like it was such a cleansing time period to allow myself to feel independent and be alone. I feel as though it’s super important to allow yourself to be alone and reconnect with yourself especially after a toxic relationship. Allowing yourself to refocus your energy and reclaim your time. I didn’t need anyone else and I didn’t want anyone else. I was perfectly content with my life.

The mere idea of being attached to someone just drove my anxiety through the roof.I love the idea of being in love but the thought of getting attached to someone again and giving them the power to hurt you just brought nothing my fear to my heart. You never truly know someone’s intentions with you and I have the biggest fear of not being enough or even being too much or the person getting tired of me or them just deciding one day that I’m not worth it anymore. I used to find comfort in love and at that point I felt like my security had been stripped from me. Even when I started getting close to my current boyfriend I still felt that internal struggle. We had gone to the same high school and we knew of each other so he knew that I had a child and everything so that wasn’t what made me question. It was nothing about him and nothing about my past relationship even, it was just the way that I felt at that moment about attachment and love and trust. When it’s good, it’s the most euphoric thing in the world but when it’s bad it tears me down like no other. I am the type of person that when I love, I love hard and I would do anything for that person and my issue lies with me expecting the same in return. I was so afraid to take that risk and all that it entails so I just told myself that it would all happen in God’s time and that he would show me the signs if this one was the one. and  I am so blessed beyond words. I adore my boyfriend so much. He is so good with my daughter and is the absolute sweetest human. I couldn’t be more thankful to God and the universe for aligning the stars just perfect for me. I can totally see myself with this man for the rest of my life. You just have to be patient and understand that love will find you in God’s time.

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