I found my old blog…yikes.

I found my old blog! I honestly had completely forgot I even had an old blog or why I had an old blog. When I made this new blog I noticed that I couldn’t use the name I wanted and I was being basic and using my own name so needless to say I was surprised. I thought for a second that there was another person witr the same name as me! I was kind of excited for a second because I hadn’t met someone with my name. I realized though that it was mine and by the posts I noticed I must’ve created it for a high school class but I couldn’t put my finger on which one. The more I read the funnier it got.

I created this for a theater arts class I took as a freshman in high school. Some of the things I wrote about during our free-writes was “losing a friend”. Here it is:

“I hate losing people. I think I lost a friend yesterday. He’s name’s Jack. He was like my best friend at one point, we haven’t talked as much recently because of my boyfriend and his jealousy. I really don’t wanna lose him because we’ve talked about so much, I’ve opened up to him, I don’t do that with many people. We’ve never dated or even talked on a serious level. We’ve always been just friends and there for each other. I don’t want to lose him but I don’t want to seem so concerned about losing him because I don’t want my boyfriend to think it’s because I have a major crush. Jack respects my relationship because he knows my boyfriend makes me happy, he wouldn’t do anything to mess that up. I wish I could make him see that but you can’t make someone see what they don’t want to believe and he refuses to believe me. I’m going to try to fix things with Jack before he’s too far gone, I just hope I can.”

I mean how dramatic can one be? I know it was thater arts and all but man oh man. I started thinking about why I wrote this and the backstory of it all. When I was in high school I was in love, so I thought… Doesn’t most girls though? The guy that this was about (not said Jack but the boy friend) was someone who I considered very toxic to my life. I even feel like I would have played my part of being toxic in his. I believe that two good people can be toxic for each other. We both had our share of insecurities and we expressed them in a various of ways. I was with this guy for almost all of my high school career and looking back I feel like a lot of the time was wasted.

I wasted so much energy in trying to convince this person to love me and that I was enough for him when I simply wasn’t and I should have let it be. I shouldn’t have been so clingy and emotionally attached. And if I would have known then what I know now I would have done a lot of things differently. Then again, there’s no telling how different life would be if the smallest thing would have changed.

Back in high school I feel like a lot of the relationship was based around social media in the sense of comparing… Not so much as all the NICE things couples do but also with all of the bad things. In this story you see that the boy friends jealousy was an issue and the reason why was because he saw a reference on social media saying that “best friend” was a term girls used so girls could get by with cheating, although that may be true for some… Not everybody is built the same. Not everyone is romantic, not everyone is good at expressing themselves, not everyone has a cheating mentality, not everyone loves them same.  I would backfire because he told me I had to delete every guy off of social media and likewise he had to do the same… Which clearly isn’t healthy AT ALL and it makes both parties look “crazy”. But it’s a matter of perception. I’m glad I let that old flame burn out but i certainly let it control my life for way longer than I needed it too. It’s just weird in looking back at old posts and not remembering the back story. There’s plenty of things that I wrote on there that didn’t make sense or that I didn’t remember writing. I just thought this was a funny story to share and it’s interesting seeing how different things have changed and how much my mindset has grown and developed over the years.

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