Trust

Trust ./verb trusts (third person present) · trusted (past tense) · trusted (past participle) · trusting (present participle)

1. believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of.

Broken trust and where it comes from:

Past Relationships:

To me, loving someone is like second nature but as far as trust goes.. I have a wall up. I don’t know why I’m like this. I initially blame it on my past relationship. It was an on again, off again relationship which wasn’t healthy to my self esteem. Instead of really trying to break it off with me he would say we “needed a break” and he would never really give me a really reason or even a definition of what a “break” was. Could we talk to other people? Do we still talk to each other? What should I expect from you? I had all of these unanswered questions that would tumble through my head and when I found out he was talking to another girl it would drive me a little crazy because a “break” meant we would get back together eventually then why would he try to pursue another girl? Our relationship was hard and toxic for the both of us. They say the guilty dog always barks. Hew would get so mad at me  for talking to other guys and being friendly because he said I was “flirting” and “guys only want one thing”. What does that say about you then guy? Hmmm?

Looking back now, I wish I wouldn’t have stressed it as much. I wish I would’ve let a lot of things go. I told myself I wouldn’t be as crazy if I was with someone else. I told myself that when I found someone new that would appreciate me and love me the way I deserved then I wouldn’t have to act that way. I wouldn’t have to overthink and overanalyze every little detail about our relationship and worry about what the other person is doing to much… Plot twist, I was wrong. Needless to say, I am in love with my fiancé and he has never once given me a reason to doubt our relationship or his love for me and no I don’t feel the need to go through his phone and I don’t accuse him of cheating every time he has to work third on his days off but in my head.. It’s all going down. I don’t verbally approach him with my crazy thoughts because they are just that.. Crazy. My fiancé is not only loyal but we’ve never had a falling out or even a temporary break up or “break”. ( I told myself if anyone ever tried to tell me they wanted a break I would never put myself through that again, CUT OFF) I feel like I have these what I call “toxic traits” that really don’t hurt anybody but myself. I have been trying really hard to overcome these. 99% of the time they just come straight from my own insecurities anyway.  I find myself comparing myself a lot to other people’s looks and then I tell myself it’s inside that matters and I go on this bend where I feel really detached for any and everything and I end up acting really cold and can come across sometimes mean or heartless. I do this subconsciously but when I realize I’m acting this way I try really hard to fix it because I don’t want to be that person. I was really insecure growing up, like most girls are in middle school I think.. We go through that awkward time in our lives. That’s when I made a point to always be nice to people because you can change the outside but not the inside.. That makes me sound like I’m only a nice person because I’m hideous but I promise you that I was nice before then. I was very quiet and shy growing up. Naturally sweet but just to myself. I’m going on a bunny trail here.. On to the next sub category.

Childhood trauma.

Now I feel like I don’t have much childhood trauma, from what I can remember anyway. I can’t really remember much of my childhood but he parts I do remember everything was good. It’s very common these days I feel like to grow up in a split home or what is truly called “blended family”. Where there is two parents and one or two step parents and maybe some half or step siblings. It’s unfortunate but it’s the reality of today’s society. I had the privilege of growing up in a single family home with both parents and three full siblings. As for my parents though, that wasn’t the case. I’m specifically going to talk about my mother’s side.. Sorry mom.

As a little girl we often look up to our mothers and I feel like I have a very wonderful role model to stand beside. She is a strong and powerful women. She holds a very high position at her work, especially for a woman. As strong as my mother is she is also the sweetest human being and definitely the most caring person I’ve ever met besides my grandmother. But she faced a difficult time growing up. Her parents were getting a divorce and back then divorces weren’t as common as they are now. Everyone she knew had parents that were together. To make matters worse her father betrayed her mother with her best friend. That’s something that in this time would make a major motion picture.  Not only that but he eventually ending up remarrying.. To the best friend. My grandmother’s life was shattered and my mother.. Her whole world crumbled. Her very foundation of trust was obliterated, she had nothing to stand on. This broken rust is something she’ll have to work with and on for future generations. This not only affected relationships but female friendships as well. Which can in some way affect the way her children view trust…

Here we go, I sometimes feel like a very messed up person when it comes to my thinking. I can sometimes catch myself in a very negative headspace and I need to be better about it. I need to be more trusting. I need to let go of whatever it is that mentally affected me and not let it take control of my life. Although, it’s easier said than done that’s for sure.