I look in the mirror and feel little red bumps underneath my fingertips and see patchy redness covering up my porcelain skin. The light catches the faint blonde hair that hovers just above my lip and my mole that my sweet mother always called a beauty mark seems to have grown another one of those nasty long hairs again. My left eyebrow doesn’t know the definition of control and my right one has lost all means of living. They’ve seen the comments about how bushy they are and how they’re the worst part of my face but they believe nothing compares to those teeth. I wish they were perfect. I wish I was perfect.
I have a lot of insecurities, both physically and emotionally. There is so much of me that I wish I could change overnight. There is part of me that is convinced that I’ll never be satisfied with who I am, ever. It doesn’t matter if I shave all the hair off of my face or get braces for years or extensions in my hair. It doesn’t matter if I spend hours in the gym chasing after the body I may never achieve. I’ll never be satisfied. I’ll always have this underlying feeling that I’ll never my good enough for myself or anyone else for that matter.
There are days where I find it’s really hard to push through and although I do, I wish it wasn’t so hard. I physically feel heavy and emotionally drained. There are times mentally that I feel driven but my body doesn’t want to follow. I have so many dreams for myself that I’ve just accepted will never happen. I want to have a glamorous life for myself and my family but I fall so short. My motivation deteriorates from time to time and I feel less than consistent and to me that’s the most important thing to be when following a dream. That’s the most important thing to me in maintaining relationships and friendships too. I feel like I’m losing friends by the day and I go without seeing them for weeks at a time. I blame my schedule and how busy I am on my days off but sometimes I feel like it’s just me. I could be better.
I could be a better friend. I could be a better fiance. I could be a better mother. A better daughter, a better person. Being better is a never ending vortex. The biggest room we have as individuals is the room for improvement. There are things were great at and there are also things we all need to work on for ourselves. I have a hard time some days focusing on the bright side and focusing on the fact that we humans are going to have hard times. We are supposed to go through the motions of life. It’s not always going to be consistent and you aren’t either. In a perfect world maybe, but nothing in this world is perfect especially if humans are involved. We are creatures of imperfection. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to figure out this life in the way that we need to at the pace we are supposed to.
I may feel like I’m drowning some days but everyday I decide to get up and keep going. There are days where there’s nothing right about my body or my hair or my face but I also know that there are days where I feel the confidence radiating from within. I have to remember the good days, the great days and not just the bad ones.