I wore an engagement ring for five years, it exemplified a future of marriage and all that entailed. It was a symbol of empty promises and I still feel that even now. After wearing a piece of jewelry for so long you can’t help but feel it’s absence. This isn’t a “bashing my ex-fiance” blog post. This is a post expressing my feelings and how my mindset has changed since my break up. 

When I first experience my break up, I was shell-shocked. I had a codependency with my ex, we were together for almost 8 years, consistently, no break ups, no infidelity, nothing that majorly presented what today’s culture would have considered a bad relationship but that doesn’t mean that my relationship was anywhere near perfect. I was with my old partner for most of my twenties and there were times in that relationship that I questioned my worth and where I stood with him. When you’re in a long term relationship you are going to be faced with times of compromise and certain sacrifices but there were times where I thought I was the only one making those compromises. 

Dating in your twenties is hard, there is so much personal growth that you are also dealing with that it is sometimes hard to focus your energy on another human being as well. In your twenties, you are in the midst of figuring yourself out, gaining your own independence from your parents, building your career, discovering your passions and essentially just figuring out where you stand in the world. I felt like during my relationship I put myself on the back burner, we lived together so I was doing wifely things for a man who truly wasn’t even considering becoming a husband, he bought a ring but in between the time of the proposal and the end his interest to pursue marriage fell to the wayside… And I let it. My desire to pursue the perfect relationship and future I had envisioned myself overrode my intuition that this person may not be fully for me. I needed someone kind and considerate, with good communication skills and someone willing to adore me just as much as I do them. I go all in with love and that isn’t a bad way to be, but I let it overtake my focus and other goals in life. Since the break up I’ve decided I’ve had to rewrite my future for myself. 

My daughter and I are a family. We are stable and loving and just enough the way we are. We don’t need anyone else to make us complete. Don’t get me wrong I still value marriage and if someone down the road compliments my lifestyle then they are welcome to join me in my journey. I dislike the idea that I have to be with someone or seeing or sleeping with someone in order to be valued or worthy of conversation. I want people to ask me about me and what I am doing, not who. 

I want to figure out who I need to be in God’s plan for me. The future is full of possibilities and I don’t have to subject myself to dates and rejection and empty conversations in order to fulfill that destiny for myself. I’m back in school, nursing a better future. I’m disciplining myself and growing in faith with God through many different avenues. I am filling the cups of my friends with love and appreciation because they deserve it. I am spending time with those who want to spend time with me and who see me for who I am and will love me no matter who I become.