Paranoid.

I took a psychology class last semester and one of the extra credit options was to take a psychoanalysis personality test. Crazy I know, but the results were intriguing.

Stages of life:

I’m always willing to take tests to find out who I am, and I know I’m not alone in that. I feel like I see more and more people take tests to see who they are and where they fit in. I think, in part it is because of the stage of life most people are at in their late teens and twenties. When we start to become independent from our parents, face realities of life, become more responsible for our life and our future. When we are really trying to figure out our passions and pursuits. In high school, I remember taking a test to find out what career would best suit us based on our personality. It helped drive us to research certain fields of study that matched our interests.

Different Personality Tests:

In addition to that, I’ve seen the growth of other personality tests pop up from Enneagrams to the 16Personaility tests to even what your love language is. I even believe divulging in where the stars aligned when you were born also can be included in this. All these tests are fun and help you find out your focus and what drives you, how you interest with others and what makes you, you.

In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong in taking tests to see where you fit in the world, what you need in order to feel loved and accepted, maybe even help map out what your next move needs to be. We’ve all felt lost in the world at one point or another and sometimes little quizzes are a way for us to connect and realize there’s other people out there who are seeking the same answers we are. I’ve done it, out of entertainment or curiosity I’m not really sure but it’s fun either way.

I’m an Aquarius sun with an Aries moon, a 2w3 Enneagram with a INFJ-T personality. My top love language is Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. Which all in their own way make sense. But that’s not really what I’m going to talk about today.

Psychoanalysis Test:

The test that I took was really a psychoanalysis test. It’s considered a personality test, but it was built more to aid in a diagnosis. It was called the MMPI (Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Inventory). It uses different clinical scales to come up with a number. It’s one of the most frequently used and most extensively researched psychology assessment tool. It’s been revised different times based on the overlap of some conditions and questionable accuracy. Which is why this test is not an official means for diagnosis, at least on its own, the results just showed what percentage of different psychiatric conditions you are in. The results weren’t a placement or even a specific category. It used your answers to come up with percentages in each category.

My top one was paranoia at 33% followed by depression at 25%. Which that alone is concerning.

Paranoid:

I’ve known myself to have bouts of anxiety, but I never really considered myself “paranoid”. Which honestly isn’t really that far off from one another. Followed in the description it gave examples of questions and answers that aided in my results. One being “Do you think people secretly dislike you?”, that’s when it all made sense.

Whenever I think paranoid, I go extreme. I think about people who hallucinate or go on the run because they think people are after them or stay up all night because they’re afraid someone is going to kill them. Someone they’ve never met or spoken to in real life. I believe this is true in most cases of mental health. We sometimes rationalize our thoughts a feeling, sometimes even deeming them “not bad enough” or think we have it under control enough that it doesn’t stop us from living our day to day lives. A lot of my anxiety comes from social interaction and social environments. Which sucks because it’s also where I find great joy.

I didn’t think paranoia could look like:

Questioning someone’s loyalty.

Thinking your friends secretly hate you.

Feeling annoying or judged when being too loud or too happy.

Losing sleep because you feel like your friends have been distant but too afraid to reach out.

Thinking the people, you care about the most don’t feel the same about you.

Part of me, the realist part of me, knows that most of these aren’t true and if they are, that’s okay.

Your real friends won’t abandon you.

Those that love you, love you for you.

Those that love you care about you just as deeply as you do.

You can reach out to your friends, and they’ll understand.

But it doesn’t change how reclusive I become. How afraid I become. How sad I become when I’ve convinced myself I’m not worth the love of others.

(depression)

I end up feeling deeply ashamed for giving way to despair and self-pity.

I’ve always preached about and wanted to be someone who loved freely. Regardless of what I got in return. Regardless, if someone leaves or moves on. Most of the time I am. Most of the time I’m happy, I’m positive and always willing to help and give what I can and love unconditionally.

But there are times followed that I let my flaws outweigh that. I’ve let it affect my personal relationships as well as my professional pursuits.

Professional obstacles:

In a professional sense, I developed what I now have realized is imposter syndrome. Which is the inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved. Never mind, the hard work that I put in networking and communication with people. Never mind the passion I have for what I do, never mind the hard work I put into making deadlines, replying to emails, coordinating projects and communicating with brands and other ambassadors.

I still become faced with the feeling that I don’t deserve it and that people don’t really care.

It’s why I was somewhat relieved when I lost my twitter account at 20K followers and my YouTube account at 9K and why when I finally reached 10K on Instagram, I lost motivation to proceed. I reached Twitch Affiliate and slowly backed away, even though it was something I thoroughly enjoyed.

I struggle with the thoughts of being deserving. I struggle with the thoughts of what if the internet crashes tomorrow and you fed all this time into something that doesn’t matter to a lot of people.

Because what if the internet thrives? What if you miss the opportunity of a lifetime because you so absorbed with doubt and self-pity?

I think I mentioned before that I took a step back because it became too much. There is a lot of truth in that. As much as I enjoyed making content and making connections with great people, it became a lot to deal with.

This is why I started doing more background movements. Developing and hosting classes on how to grow a social media presence. Doing photoshoots for businesses and helping them improve the quality of their online presence. During Covid and now even after, there were tons of places that were struggling. The world turned to the internet for their means of normalcy and socialization. Meaning there was a need for people to grow and get on out there in different ways then they we accustomed too. They needed resources and someone to help talk them through where to begin and how to reach the goals they needed.

These “background” opportunities allowed me to do what I loved most about “influencing” which is networking and connecting with other people while avoiding what made me anxious which is the actual front and center part. The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing or having someone hate me. There is a part of me that still loves the idea of it and longs to get back out there. I really do enjoy making deep and genuine connections with people. Sharing stories and experiences and spreading love into the world. I just have to remember that not everybody wants that, and I have to be okay with that.

Just like I have to be okay with people who don’t want to be a part of my life or apart of what I do. I have to love them where they are and accept it.

I can’t let the anxiety win.

I have to accept the things I cannot change and find courage to face the things I can.

I understand some of these may seem extreme to some people. I have since been on the road to recovery from this discovery. No need for concern.

with love,

c.p