How do you know you’re in a healthy relationship or not? Well, I’m going to show you 10 signs that came up the most in my extensive research. When I googled the phrase “Healthy Relationship” I got 3.3 billion results… Not million… Billion. That looks weird when I type it. I had to double check my spelling.. But anyway, that’s nearly half of the whole world population. Clearly being able to recognize a healthy relationship is a big concern for a lot of people and I’m not saying I’m not one of them. You see being 20-something years old I grew and continue to grow up in the world of social media where there is countless amount of information around there surround ‘red flags’ and ‘what to look for if your partner is cheating’ a.k.a plenty of information that feeds self doubt and doubt in our relationships.

Well, here today I’m going to be more focused on what you should look for in a healthy relationship and what we naturally may seek in healthy relationships without even realizing it.

In my view there are 10 main signs that you are in a healthy relationship and we are going to view these signs kind of like a tree where the first four are absolutely fundamental, these will be considered our roots and truck of the scenario you need them to be strong and secure while the rest are more of the branches.. Strong enough to hold it together but flexible enough so they don’t break in a strong wind.

1. Reliable

The first sign is a healthy relationship is reliable. In a healthy relationship you can count on the other person to do what they say they’re going to do and be where they say they’re going to be. You don’t have to worry about these things. If they make a commitment you know they’ll honor it.

2. Reassurance

Next people in healthy relationship give each other a lot of reassurance. Most people in committed relationships need reassurance everyday. Their love languages may vary. Some people require verbal reassurance, some of us need acts of devotion and some just need quality time together. Whatever your love languages are your partner needs to know on a pretty much daily basis that your feelings for them aren’t going to suddenly disappear.

3. Real

The third sign of a healthy relationship is that you are both real, like fully real. You both have real lives, family, friends, work, and you each want the other to know everything about it and be a part of it. You aren’t dodging around trying to hide secrets about yourself that you are ashamed of. If all goes well and you follow the first three signs: reliable, reassurance and real then you can move on to the fourth thing..

4. Relax

Number 4.. A healthy relationship is supposed to be relaxing. A good relationship should be a refuge from the storms outside. You should be able to let down your guard and not have to worry. Life is hard. A good relationship should be a haven from worry. You should be about to come home from work and breath a little easier. I’m going to reiterate what I said earlier. These first four are the tree trunks of a healthy relationship. The most important. The rest are a little more flexible but should still remain secure. These branches are going to be how you find balance with yourself and the relationship because you are both really two trees that have your own needs.

5. Balance between “we” and “I”

No two people in a relationship have the same qualities and fit perfectly together. There are different personalities and lifestyles that don’t match. Which means the act of becoming a “we” requires a little bit of creativity. One of the most important ways of a couple becoming a “we” is the results of making decisions together. Figuring out what they can compromise on and what they can’t. Unfortunately there are sometimes where we find ourselves trying to make things fit when they really don’t. Either by suppressing some vital part of ourselves or making someone else give up some vital part of themselves. Instead it’s better to understand and accept that two people aren’t going to fit exactly together and to be creative and make it work. That’s what gives you the confidence to keep being creative as a “we” while still being true to yourself as an “I”.

6. Care about each others feelings.. But not too much.

What this means is, obviously it’s important to be interested in how your partner feels and think otherwise you’re just in it for yourself. That isn’t good for any relationship but on the other hand you can’t care so much about the other persons feelings that you can’t stand your ground when the two of you disagree. You can’t just surrender to make your partner happy. You have to think that without some friction you can’t make good music.. Like a violin and a bow.

7. You should feel close but not too close.

This can get weird. A psychologist reported that couples will often come to him because they don’t feel as close anymore when in reality they may be too close. Such as communication issues. They may complain that they never talk but it’s because they think they already know what the other person is going to say and they’re not going to like it. Sometimes that disconnect is the result of not knowing how to listen to each other. Sometimes listening to the other person means staying in your own lane, you need to let the other person be a separate person with their own thoughts, feelings and opinions that are different from yours and respecting that.

8. Share a common vision

Number 8 is sharing a common vision.. At least some of the time. In a committed relationship you eventually have to come to the agreement on certain things such as where you are going to live and whether or not you’re going to have children and it’s nice if you could agree on a few other things like religion, education and what’s an acceptable standard of living. In any normal relationship there may be a few things that you will not agree with.. In fact you may passionately disagree. It’s nothing to feel bad about. It can make the relationship more interesting and your future children more open to different views. It’s also a good reminder that your partner wasn’t put on the planet to make you happy and that you can’t control them even though you might like to.

9. You should feel like best friends

Feeling like best friends is important.. But not all the time. Historically there has been a lot of research saying that marriage tends to make people happier. Not everyone agrees with this though. In 2014, a new study came out suggesting that it didn’t matter weather or not the couple was married but weather they considered each other their best friend which makes sense because most people treat their best friends very good. If your best friend is also your spouse or partner you may take special care of their feelings. But on the intimate side of things it can make things a little difficult.. There may be something about being best friends that can have an effect on someone’s physical love life. There’s a time to be best friends and a time not to.

10. It shouldn’t feel like too much work.

A lot of people who write about relationships often emphasize that they are hard work. I know I have said it before but if you talk to people who have been married more than once most will say that one relationship was harder than the other one. Over multiple relationships they have discovered an essential thing, that they aren’t supposed to be a form of suffering. Life is difficult. A relationship should be overall easy. Sure, they might drive you crazy every once in a while because no one is perfect but if it feels like too much work then it might be a problem and don’t assume the problem is always you. Sometimes it could be the relationship.

A good relationship is supposed to make you feel good. If it doesn’t make you feel good then maybe you should look into the problem.

What are your thoughts on this list? Let me know in the comments!

with love,

c.p